A Period of Discovery

This blog is about my experience of completing an exercise that identifies my real self by mapping out my lifeline, social identities, strengths, and roles as described in McKee, Boyatzis, & Johnston (2008, pp. 109-137). In order to pursue the ideal self, one must know the real self.  “To move from where we are now to where we want to be, we need to have a sense of how other’s see us and how that image matches (or doesn’t match) with how we see ourselves.” (Boyatzis & McKee, 2005, p. 92). This exercise may serve as the tipping point that is needed to make important changes in my life in pursuit of my ideal self; let me explain.

Lifeline

The first part of the exercise mapped out my lifeline (draw a timeline), from birth to present and included important events, phases, moments of accomplishment, high points, and low points of my life to date (Mckee et al., 2008, pp. 114-115). The times when I was the happiest and the most fulfilled where times that I was in a leadership role and had a good coaching and mentoring network around me. Fortunately for me, this was a long period of time, from 1981 to about 2006. There was one year 1999 – 2000, where I was in an organization that where the political undertones and value system was not a good match, but other than that one year that was a very strong run of 25 years! Most of these years was spent in the United States Air Force (USAF), where training, coaching and mentoring are unsurpassed; and where hope, mindfulness and compassion are alive and well. Where every step in increased responsibility was met with training, coaching and mentoring.

I retired from the USAF in 2001, after 20 illustrious years. The first company that I found employment with after retirement, America West Airlines (AWA), also had many of the qualities of the USAF; at least hope and compassion where present daily. I do not believe they had a leadership training program or any other program designed to grow people at the company, but a strong family atmosphere was there. I loved working for AWA so much that I recently wrote a blog about my experience working there Doug Parker - A Transformational Leader in a Tumultuous Business.

So now the obvious question that arises is what happened in 2006 that altered the course of fulfillment and happiness? In 2006 my wife and I legally separated and I moved out of state to take on what I thought would be a fresh start. The fresh start didn’t work out and after 6 months, I found myself bouncing around as a contractor; taking short and long term contracts all over the country for the next 3 years. In 2010 a permanent positon became open at the company that I am currently employed at. I jumped at the opportunity to bring back some stability in my life. My wife and I also rejoined during this time and things were on the upside. Today I am in the same job. The pay is good and the benefits are great. I have a large enough leadership role to keep me engaged but there seems to be several things missing. Completing the exercise helped me put my finger on it.

Social Identities

I have always only had a few close friends that I have stayed in touch with over the years. The advent of Facebook and LinkedIn have aided me in expanding the network rather effortlessly, but I continue to be very careful in choosing who is allowed in my circle of trust. Prior to starting the MSLD program my inner circle was not being utilized very much at all. Today my relationship with my inner circle is very dynamic and I will continue to be mindful of when I should seek my inner circle for advice. Equally important will be to provide advice and assistance to my inner circle partners when they need aid.

Recently I have been taking Maxwell (2007) to heart to increase my leadership potential by reaching out to make new connections (Chapter 11). Just this week, three individuals in my circle have provided me some valuable information in evaluating my current employment and leadership situation.

Strengths & Roles

Consulting my colleagues, managers and family to gather information on how they see me has been something started some time ago. One of my strengths that myself and others agree on is coaching. Coaching happens to be a role that brings me a lot of personal satisfaction. In what may seem as a paradox, my role as a father and a husband has been challenging even though one of my strengths is coaching. The challenges faced with my family may be why my life has not been able to find the balance it needs to have steady growth professionally. The MSLD program has helped me see the need to direct more attention to my family so a better balance can be achieved that really hopefully lead to positive results. My need for a role with increased coaching and leadership opportunities coupled with the current challenges of being a father and a husband has caused me to ask some serious questions about how I can improve my situation in pursuit of finding a position with more coaching opportunities. Such a position may help me realize my ideal self.

Choices

So what is missing from my current position and family life? From my current position, more leadership and coaching responsibilities, and a feedback system from a support network. Annual EPR feedback sessions do not qualify because they are not designed to be supportive. If they were, they would be designed differently. The USAF has a good model of how EPR and feedback sessions should be designed. Effective annual EPR and feedback sessions would be a good start, but they are not what I am looking for. I’m looking for an organization where coaching and mentoring take place on a more regular basis so that it is undeniable that the organization looks to grow its people and where the opportunity for promotion is real and not a fantasy.

On the home front, there is a lot of work to do. Much of it is personal that really shouldn’t be shared publicly, but I can tell you that meditation, exercise and possibly relocating to an area where getting around for my wife and daughter is an easier task than it is today is on the table. We have already started the exercise together; the meditation is not for them…yet. I have not given up the idea and I am hopeful that through example they will follow.

Summary

I believe the choices that are in front of me to pursue my ideal self, have come about by discovering my real self and the gaps that exist between the two. The challenges that lie ahead for me and my family as I pursue my ideal self will be significant, but I am confident that a well thought at plan and a strong support network will deliver success.

References:

McKee, A., Boyatzis, R., & Johnston, F. (2008). Becoming a resonant leader: Develop your emotional intelligence, renew your relationships, and sustain your effectiveness. Boston, MA: Harvard Business Press.

Boyatzis, R., & McKee, A. (2005). Resonant leadership: Renewing yourself and connecting with others through mindfulness, hope, and compassion. Boston, MA: Harvard Business Press.

Maxwell, J. (2007). The 21 irrefutable laws of leadership: Follow them and people will follow you. (2nd edition.). Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson, Inc.